What is happening to me? Pregnancy is freakish.

Now that I’m in the second trimester, I don’t feel as constantly sick as I used to. In fact, sometimes I feel totally normal and am surprised when I look down and see a bump.

Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.

I’m currently on a business trip to Memphis. I was sure to pick aisle seats the whole trip over and back so that I wouldn’t have to climb over people to use the bathroom often. On the first leg of the trip, I got into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My big, round self. I continue to marvel at how my body is changing so quickly that I can hardly keep up. I touched my round belly, and suddenly got very emotional. I am this vessel for this miraculous thing.  All those trite things are true!  I’m amazed at what is happening, what is scheduled to happen in March, if all goes well.

I had a hard time composing myself. Every time I thought I was getting a hold of my tears, I would just see my big belly and start crying again. So, rather than continuing to hog the airplane bathroom, I decided that I could force myself to composure by just walking out, which I did. And I was fine.

What is happening to me?? I’m so weepy, and I get weepy so suddenly. My body is going through these crazy changes. I’m growing something inside me, for goodness’ sake. I’m a host for this alien taking over my body, my emotions, my thoughts… In the ultrasound, you can see it move. It’s independent, doing what it wants in there, taking what it needs from me in there. THIS IS WEIRD.



So far, so good

Second ultrasound: so far, so good.

It goes a long way toward my relief and confidence. Now, I am concentrating on the amnio scheduled in 3 weeks, hoping that the results that come about a week later are good, that nothing is wrong.

I started telling people, letting information trickle out. Of course, there are some people I want to tell face to face, so I’m holding off until the weekend when I can do that.

The latest sonogram picture shows what’s looking more and more like a real baby! Heard its heartbeat today as well. Different and separate from mine. Amazing.

Nausea is largely gone, but for some reason my joints hurt a bit, even though I haven’t gained any weight. Hm.

Hoping for the best to continue…



A mover and a shaker in there!

Nothing about this pregnancy is turning out as expected.

First, I thought for sure I had a chemical pregnancy loss with some significant bleeding early on. I took a HPT expecting it to be negative, but it was positive. I went in for blood tests, expecting that the HPT was wrong, but the blood tests came back positive. And now I have a very wonderful nurse practitioner tell me at an ultrasound that I’m not 7 weeks along as I had counted from my LMP, but that the little one is measuring 11 weeks.


What?! I’m skeptical of that. After all, people come in all different shapes and sizes. Why should embryos and fetuses be any different? Why would they all measure the same? Can’t I be at 7 weeks with a larger embryo than normal? But still, it’s a pretty big freaking difference between 7 weeks and 11 weeks. Sheesh.

Suddenly, we had all these decisions to make about genetic testing for pregnant women over 35. At 7 weeks, you have some time to think about it. At 11 weeks, you don’t. And now my husband and I have all this reading material. I mean, they gave me a folder will tons of stuff – brochures and forms and charts and leaflets.

But one thing I will never forget is seeing it move around during the ultrasound.  It was so active in there! Somersaults, dancing, flipping around. Seeing the fluttering heartbeat – wow. It has little stubs for arms and legs! It’s alive in there. Moving.

And making me sick.

At least I’m not vomiting all over creation, but I do wish the nausea would subside. I especially feel it in the late afternoons/early evenings, probably because of the food gap. The little one wants food more regularly, I guess.

I’ve maintained my weight. Not especially trying to, but it’s just happening that way. I’ve been a little overweight anyway, so it’s not like I need to gain a bunch.

So, here I am, pregnant, farther along than I’ve ever been. Hopefully it sticks, and the further testing shows a healthy one in there. After three losses, I’m a little stunned at how this pregnancy is playing out. Nothing is happening as I expected. My first lesson in parenthood, perhaps?


I’m definitely NOT pregnant. I think.

Some weeks ago, I thought I was pregnant.  Is that implantation bleeding?  Is the timing right?  The timing is exactly right. Well, I reserved judgment. Let me wait until an actual missed period before I start taking tests and getting excited.

Then I had some significant bleeding. Oh, that’s another chemical pregnancy, I thought. Another sadness, but I certainly know by now that these things happen.

I figured, maybe my cycle will reset itself quickly and I will have another opportunity to try again. A week later, more bleeding. What the heck is going on? My body was acting funny, totally out of whack. But the bleeding stopped after a couple of hours.

A couple of weeks later, my husband was sufficiently tired of hearing me complain about how sick I felt all the time that he suggested I take a home pregnancy test.

I stared at him, stunned.

“But I’m not pregnant,” I said. “I lost it. All the bleeding. Chemical pregnancy.”

“Take the test,” he said.

I dragged my feet. No HPTs in the house, and I figured I’d get one at some point, but to be honest, I didn’t really want a big fat negative staring me in the face. Talk about rubbing it in.  I was not pregnant.

My husband got a little fed up, called me one evening on his way home from the gym. “I’m going to stop at the drugstore and buy a test. The pink one or the blue one? You pick, but I’m coming home with something.”

I gulped. “The pink one is fine.”

He came home, I took the test, absolutely positive that the test would be absolutely negative. So, imagine my shock when I got a plus sign.

“No way,” I said to myself in the bathroom. “No way, no way, no way. All the bleeding…”

I shared the test result with my husband who was very, very happy. But I told him that the pregnancy hormones might still be in my system, working their way out, which might result in a positive test. It didn’t matter to him. “Go email your doctor.”

Ugh! Wouldn’t he let up? I’m not pregnant! I’m not pregnant! Do we have to go through this humiliating process?

I emailed my doctor, she wanted a series of quantitative HCG tests done, I got the blood work, I got the results, and … positive. I mean, way positive. And getting more positive as the days progress.

Well, I guess I should eat my words. Pregnant I am. Will this one stick? I don’t know. But my nausea and fatigue are good enough reminders of how wrong I was without my loving husband’s occasional “I told you so” look sent my way every now and then.

Ultrasound next Friday. Let’s hope it’s different than every single other ultrasound I’ve ever had.