I’m excited about life

Posted on August 12, 2017. Filed under: grief, Health, Suicide | Tags: , , , , , , |

I have so much to do and accomplish. I’ve done an incredible amount of work this summer on myself, and I think it has been valuable, productive work.

But I felt guilty. Did my husband have to die for me to realize all this potential? Am I using his death to serve me? Is that wrong?

I realized that he taught me incredible lessons about life that I can take forward. He may have completed suicide, but really, that was a single moment in time and doesn’t erase an entire era of living according to his values that I can keep close as I grab ahold of everything that is new again.

These values include:

  • Preserving working class values and addressing income inequality
  • Volunteerism
  • Commitment to education and ongoing learning
  • Questioning authority, finding independent validation
  • Appreciating and protecting nature
  • Doing the right thing, even if it was against rules or guidelines
  • Seeking help when you need it
  • Travel, exploration
  • Voting, active participation in the political process, local organization and engagement
  • Being neighborly, helping each other out
  • Creating and maintaining distance from toxic relationships
  • Honesty
  • Financial planning and financial responsibility
  • Following through, keeping your word
  • Investing in relationships, putting in the time and work necessary
  • Health and fitness
  • Animal rights, loving and valuing and respecting them
  • Sustainability in everyday practice/ life

Despite his death, he lived his values every day. Those who knew him know this is true. I don’t need to feel guilty about moving on and loving my life, if I keep the values close.

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Moving on

Posted on July 15, 2017. Filed under: Family, grief | Tags: , , , , , , , |

This has been a summer of self-discovery, healing, learning, family and friends, and – let’s be honest! – lots and lots of therapy.

And you know what? It has been FANTASTIC! What a fun summer, full of love and making memories. We’ve traveled, we’ve experienced new milestones, we’ve hosted lots and lots of people from out of town at different times, the list goes on. My daughter is thriving, learning about death and spirit, lasting love, and facing fears. I’ve certainly had my incredibly sad moments after my husband’s death, but I cry my cries, and I wake up the next day and live. He’s dead, but I’m alive!

Now, I’m preparing to go back to work. I met with my bosses, CEO and CFO, in order to plan out my priorities and re-entry to the office and our clients. And that night, I cried from 8pm to midnight.

Full. Stop.

What happened there? Turns out that going back to work triggered an emotional windfall about my husband’s death that I hadn’t experienced in 4 months, and that is the concept of moving on. I thought I was moving on all along. I’m ALIVE, remember?

Nope. Moving on is *actually* going back to regular life, a normal routine, basically the opposite of this summer. And that routine will be without the one person I’ve had a routine with for 14 years. Everyone will go back to their lives, and so will we. So I cried for 5 hours.

In my despair, I reached out to him, and you know what? He sent me a lot of soft green bursts with smatterings of pale pink. And as long as my eyes were closed, I could experience the color. I hung onto it as long as a I needed it, standing there alone in my kitchen at midnight, for I knew what those colors signified. And soon, I was able to breathe through the emotion. I am grateful he would expend the energy for a little something to comfort me. It was enough.

And now I must do the hard work of determining what I want this Fall to be like, how I should define our routine as a family of two instead of three. Others who didn’t have the luxury of taking a few months off of work might be forced into dealing with this issue after a loved one has passed sooner that I had to. But it doesn’t matter. I just need to do it now.

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What I have learned

Posted on April 26, 2017. Filed under: grief, Marriage, Suicide | Tags: , |

I learned that love actually doesn’t conquer all the way I believed. I thought my love could save my husband from his bipolar disorder. It feels foolish when I actually type it out, but whatever, it’s what I believed.

I learned that trusting my instincts and listening to my inner voice doesn’t lead to happily ever after. I wouldn’t do it differently – there’s a satisfaction and a peace that comes with making life choices that way, and that doesn’t go away. I just know now that doing so means I’m on path to learn lessons, not to achieve some culmination of happiness or an ideal. I guess life doesn’t work that way.

I’ve learned that I still held onto very childish, overly simplistic ideals of life. I’m still an optimist. I still believe we have incredible power over our destinies. I just no longer believe it plays out exactly the way we want or hope.

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