I’m alive

Posted on April 25, 2017. Filed under: grief, Parenting | Tags: , |

Husband’s funeral is over. I survived it. Waking up the next day was a good feeling. He might be dead, but I’m ALIVE. My daughter and I, we’re going to try moving onward (somehow). 

I gained another pound this week. (I’ve lost 25 pounds in the last year, but I fear I’m gaining it all back.) I’m going to try to slow/stop the backpedaling. Today, I went back to tracking my food. I’m drinking water. I did some reps on the resistance bands. Just one day at a time of self care, so my little daughter can see how it’s done. 

I have intense, incredible, immutable sadness, but I can’t just throw away my own life because I feel sad. 

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Self recrimination > helplessness

Posted on April 6, 2017. Filed under: Family, Parenting, Suicide | Tags: , , |

I feel guilt sometimes – did I do enough to keep my husband around? Especially in the last 24 hours of his life. I could have called him, reached out to his friends and family more, forced him to communicate more, said all the things I thought of since then.

But then I learned that guilt – a result of feeling that you actually had the power to do something but didn’t – is *easier* than helplessness – a result of knowing that ultimately, you don’t really have the power to guarantee the health, safety, and life of the people you love most. Allowing ourselves to open up to our own helplessness – that scariest of all things – is supposed to help with the grief.

This concept of helplessness is most uncomfortable when I think of my young daughter. That I can do my very best – that I can even do all the very exact, right things – and still harm can come to her despite my best efforts. What a frightening thought.


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Posted on March 27, 2017. Filed under: Family, Parenting | Tags: |

Here I am, in the aftermath of my husband’s death, concerned about how painful the upcoming milestones will be – my daughter’s birthday, his birthday, Father’s Day – and then today, my daughter alerted me for the first time before the fact that she needed to use the potty. And she did – not a false alarm! I was so happy! We jumped around and danced and celebrated and high-fived all over the place.

I will need to learn to look forward to positive milestones, growth milestones, rather than just focusing with dread at milestones I’m scared of or worried about.


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I’m now a Mommy VP!

Posted on June 10, 2016. Filed under: Family, Parenting | Tags: |

Thank you to everyone who has followed my journey of infertility issues, through the very frightening and unsure birth of my daughter, and into her babyhood once we were able to bring her home from the ICU.

Since then:

  • Our daughter received a clean bill of health at her 2 year developmental review. The home visits concluded, and my daughter scored within normal range of physical ability, and a little ahead of the curve cognitively.
  • She’s now 3 years old. And typical. So I have to count my blessings that I get to experience the stress, exasperation, and frustration of an independent and active toddler.

A long while back, I read of a mom who stood at the school bus stop one morning, watching all the grade-schoolers interact. She marveled that you could not tell who was breastfed vs formula fed, who coslept vs slept in their own crib, who had disposable vs cloth diapers, who was potty trained with pull-ups vs bootcamp style. And you know what? They were all gloriously typical grade-school children, God bless’em. This helped me in my most dubious moments as a first time mom, and it has struck me as so very true as my daughter has gotten older.

I’ve shifted back to blogging regularly, but on an alternative site that marries the challenges of parenting and being a female executive. For those interested, you can follow me at my new site!

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Redundancy in child care

Posted on May 27, 2014. Filed under: Family, Parenting | Tags: , , |

I’m the mom. The Mom. The MOM.

My husband said to me last night, “What happens if you get sick?” As in, “What happens to our daughter if you get sick?”

Our daughter is surrounded by love. My husband cares for her in the afternoons, we have a nanny in the mornings during the weekdays, and my mom occasionally cares for her. Our daughter is at ease with all of these people! The only issue is that I’m the only one who knows 100% of her care, including her food preparation, sign language, bathing, her bedtime routine, strategies for getting her to eat well, her daily schedule of events… and I work full time! It’s legacy from when she was a newborn and I cared for her exclusively for 3 months. I sleep trained her, nursed her, learned all her cues. When I went back to work, I didn’t stop doing all those things! Others learned what they needed to learn to get their part of the job done during the day, but no one cares for her in a 24 hour cycle like I still do on the weekends.

My husband’s response was that we should introduce another person to the mix, to build in redundancy in her care. My response was that I’m not opposed to it, but it occurred to me that if he learned sign language, or the nanny learned her bedtime routine, or my mom learned the food prep, we could have the redundancy we needed.

We’ll continue to noodle on it a bit, but at the end of the conversation, we both noted how we are AMAZED at any parents who are raising kids without an established support network as we have. How? HOW ON EARTH do they do it??


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