Family

Happy almost-7th wedding anniversary to me

Posted on April 24, 2017. Filed under: Family | Tags: , , , |

My husband died 39 days before our 7th wedding anniversary. He died 39 days ago. 

He proposed by getting delicious and decadent French take out, setting up a picnic, then presenting his beloved grandmother’s ring. 

I’ll take my little 4 year old daughter on the same picnic to commemorate the day. 

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Self recrimination > helplessness

Posted on April 6, 2017. Filed under: Family, Parenting, Suicide | Tags: , , |

I feel guilt sometimes – did I do enough to keep my husband around? Especially in the last 24 hours of his life. I could have called him, reached out to his friends and family more, forced him to communicate more, said all the things I thought of since then.

But then I learned that guilt – a result of feeling that you actually had the power to do something but didn’t – is *easier* than helplessness – a result of knowing that ultimately, you don’t really have the power to guarantee the health, safety, and life of the people you love most. Allowing ourselves to open up to our own helplessness – that scariest of all things – is supposed to help with the grief.

This concept of helplessness is most uncomfortable when I think of my young daughter. That I can do my very best – that I can even do all the very exact, right things – and still harm can come to her despite my best efforts. What a frightening thought.

 

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Milestones

Posted on March 27, 2017. Filed under: Family, Parenting | Tags: |

Here I am, in the aftermath of my husband’s death, concerned about how painful the upcoming milestones will be – my daughter’s birthday, his birthday, Father’s Day – and then today, my daughter alerted me for the first time before the fact that she needed to use the potty. And she did – not a false alarm! I was so happy! We jumped around and danced and celebrated and high-fived all over the place.

I will need to learn to look forward to positive milestones, growth milestones, rather than just focusing with dread at milestones I’m scared of or worried about.

 

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Retail therapy, and other aspects of rebellion against the one who left

Posted on March 26, 2017. Filed under: Family | Tags: , , , |

My husband was the only one I could trust with finances. We made financial decisions together, but I wanted him to manage it all, since he was actually running the home. He was a house husband and stay at home dad (after many unhappy years as a general contractor). I was (still am, I suppose) the executive with the corner office in the big city who worked and traveled to bring in *money money money*.

But he wouldn’t let me spend it!

He left us with a good emergency fund and a conservative monthly budget… and I’ve been spending on me and my little girl like crazy since I learned he ended his life. The retail therapy can’t last forever. I have a little girl to take care of, college to save for, vacations and family travel to plan, groceries to buy, and bills to pay, but it feels good to feel free of his imposed restrictions for a little bit.

There are other ways I’m rebelling. I’m changing the house a little. Giving away plants, buying new bedding, changing the position of the living room furniture. A stubby, sad, pouting middle finger gesture to him.

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A new, sad chapter

Posted on March 25, 2017. Filed under: Family | Tags: , , , , , , |

My husband passed away last Wednesday, 3/15. Hm, that’s delicate. Rather: he decided to take his life.

It’s an emotional time, of course. I am now a widow, a single mother to a lovely nearly-4-year-old girl. I was married to his depression as much as I was married to him, so I can’t say with honesty that this outcome hadn’t crossed my mind before. But I never really thought it would come to pass. After all, he had good days as well as bad. Wouldn’t that be enough to keep going?

Apparently not. We needed to give it a little more time to discover the right medication combination and dosage that would get him back on even keel. It just happened to be time he didn’t have.

I thought I knew everything about him. I thought we shared everything. But he didn’t share with me that he purchased a gun two years ago. I’m reeling not just from the loss, but that the trueness of our partnership is now dubious. I feel somewhat foolish, as well as sad, mad, scared, alone, and uncertain.

 

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