Oh, am I not grieving correctly for you?

Posted on April 9, 2017. Filed under: grief, Suicide | Tags: , |

Here’s another thing I’ve gotten from various parties: Let it out, honey! It’s natural to cry, come on! It’s OK! Just let it out!

I let it out plenty, just not in front of you, thanks. I’m angry, sad, resentful, regretful, all sorts of things. I talk to my dead husband, tell him to stay away because I’m so pissed off, or allow him to console me when I’m so terribly sad. But I do this in private, because I happen to be a private person.

I even get it from my therapist – on the one hand she says, “I’m not telling you you’re grieving wrong, there’s no right way,” and on the other hand she drops little hints about how “controlled” I am.

Frankly, I find it hard to be sad and grieving on a beautiful Spring day when the sun is out and my child is delighted at butterflies and fragrant flowers. I find it hard to be angry and resentful when people I love are surrounding me and we are enjoying time together.

I personally grieve at night, when I’m alone or with my daughter and feel the loss so much more acutely. I grieve when my daughter tells me what she would like to tell Dada if she could. (“I would tell him I love reading!”)

I don’t like feeling obligated to inform others of my grief journey. I get that people care about me, but they don’t seem to hear me when I tell them what I tell them, or maybe it’s not enough for them? I can’t tell. But people seem to want me to be a certain way, a way that I’m not being.

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